"Hey, I've written something new on my blog and you should read it." I send her this message seconds after I punch the orange publish button on my dashboard.
There is radio-silence for a while and then I see a lot of typing and stalling going on. Maybe she is so stunned by the intensity of my blog post that she is seeking the correct adulation for me or maybe she is composing the worlds's longest WhatsApp message. This goes on for such a long time that I decide to switch over to the mobile version of my blog and admire my handiwork. As I pour through my post and marvel at my own genius, the message finally comes through and it's way too short and straight to the point.
"Is it about HER ?"
It was my time now to maintain radio-silence and ponder over an answer for her. Was it about HER ? Well the core context of that blog post was to establish my attempt at destroying all HER photographs but failing to do so and retaining a memorable album that did include HER. As I mulled over my options over how to communicate to her effectively the background of the post, brainy vixen that she is, replies to her own question by saying
"It must be about HER. Anyways, will read it and tell you what I think"
While chat is one of most impersonal forms of communication and there is an inherent limitation on the range of emotion that is possible through it, I could sense the crushing disappointment in that message. There was no anger or outrage in the response, just sadness and acceptance.
With my deflated ego in place, I scroll through the few posts in my blog and realise that each post was either alluding to HER or referencing HER directly.She must find it really difficult to read about HER and perhaps it is a tad bit insensitive of me to go and on about HER like this.
However the truth really is that these are not just topics for me to blog about. These are experiences or instances that I would like to share with a psychiatrist on a couch but I am too lazy to find one. These are incidents that I would gladly drown with a good friend but unfortunately I don't have many of them either lately.In the end, these are painful thoughts that torment me to this day, filling my sleep with nightmares, my days with guilt and my heart with sorrow.
So in a way, through this blog, I sometimes attempt to get them out of my system. I have been carrying so much emotional baggage lately, that it has begun to impair my ability to function socially,emotionally and romantically.
So my dear,if you finally decide to read this, by writing it out, I am trying to clear out some of that emotional baggage that has accumulated over the last few years. There is a selfish purpose to it and I hope you do realise that by clearing so much space out, I am actually freeing up valuable real estate for you.
I hope that makes you happy and less inclined to beat me up the next time you read such a blog post.
To the others who do read my blog, thank you for helping me let go.
PS: Due to an excessive fondness of my privacy, please note that I do use more pronouns than actual names. So that you do have an opportunity to differentiate between the usage and thereby the individuals in question, I have used "HER" and her through the post. You will differentiate between them if you know me well enough.
