Diet

Like every other person with an eating disorder, I have my weaknesses when it comes to my metabolic intake. In times of stress and distress, I find solace in fast food and biryanis which I wash down with large bottles of aerated drinks. Roughly around November, 2012 when my personal life started to unravel, I embarked on what was an exercise in gluttony. Restaurant owners knew me on first name basis, delivery boys would greet me with a knowing smile as their fingers ached under the weight of my routine orders and friends would struggle to hide their dismay at my ballooning figure.

The year 2013 did not bring anything better in my fortunes.Work was hectic,my marriage was in shambles and I never felt lonelier in life.I took my binge eating to an entirely new level. The effects on me was more prominent than ever and I began to closely resemble the Michelin Man. 

Round about that time, an incident occurred that changed my perspectives for the better. During a lunch, while observing heaps of food on my plate and the large beef dish lying next to my plate, a friend casually asked me whether I'd checked my cholesterol lately. It was a simple innocuous question, innocently asked and without an attempt to sugar-coat reality and with the pungency of smelling salts, it jolted me up.

I went on a diet the very next day and it was the most faithful I've been on a diet. My No Carb - No Sugar-Low Fat diet went on for roughly 7 months and what a world of change it made to me and my life. I dropped 17 Kg, I shrunk 7 inches off my waist and I dropped a shirt size. My clothes began to resemble hand-me-downs and I fit into clothes I wore during my school days. Friends were amazed, foes turned green with envy and best of all I felt like a million bucks.I credited the weight loss to my amazing levels of self control and basked in the glorious world of narcissistic selfies which I sent to everybody I knew

Then in the month of October my divorce was finalized, my trip to South Africa crystallized and the thin healthy and happy  me made my way across the globe to South Africa. A week into my stay in the new country I found myself downing chicken wings,drinking soda and resuming gluttony again. 

How did I succumb to my old ways? What was the reason for my downfall ? Three months later, the answer is as apparent to me as my re-emerging tummy. No, I did not diet as some believe to look good for my divorce (Yes, that crazy opinion was actually given to me !!) The reason I managed to exercise  self control and lose this much weight and stay healthy was not what was on my plate but what was across the table. It was the people around me that motivated me to get healthy, who made the droll food on my plate palatable through their good humour,and egged me on to be a better version of me. Without them around, the only solace I find is in the food that I eat.

Yesterday I did realize that I cannot go on this way. I can't always depend on the people around me to carry me through life. I am on the look out for a fresh start and being a few stones lighter would be a great way to go about that.

Prayer

Neither am I a religious man nor am I an atheist. I find myself comfortably ensconced in that middle ground, where I decry that religion is at the root of most evil while I occasionally indulge in a quiet prayer to that unseen force. Don't get me wrong, I do not pray for personal gain : not directly. I visit temples and churches with family and friends to pray and its always the same prayer, a repetitive mantra I have indulged in for over 15 years.

You see, I learned something early on in life. Prayers for personal gain always go unheeded. When I have prayed for better marks or holidays or gifts, I somehow never got what I wished for. Therefore I decided to give up on my materialistic requirements and pray for others. My prayer would be just for friends and family, the flawed logic being that my happiness depended on them and if they are blessed, indirectly so am I.

So the last time I was in a temple, as usual I stepped in front of the deity to begin my one line prayer.

"Dear Lord, Please take care of Mom, Dad, Bro and ...". The name slipped out before I could stop it and suddenly I felt like the wind was taken out of my sails. It was a name I hadn't expected to say and yet the ease with which I said it shocked me and saddened me instantly.

As I made my familiar round around the deity, my mind was abuzz with numbing and lingering doubts. Deep down did I still love her or did I subconsciously care enough for her to keep her in my prayers, however short. I move on to another idol and I faced the same problem. My prayers were laced with her name. Each chant seemed to inevitably end with me praying for her. To say I was perturbed, would be putting it really mildly.

Its only when I left the temple and turned around to face the idol that I realized why. My path around the temple was a rigid exercise. I enter, pray at the main idol and then step out to every other idol till I finally end up at the main idol to complete my prayer. I leave the temple, face the main idol, pray again and I leave. The same path that I have tread for over 25 years whenever I made my way to the temple.

Similarly my prayer was altered over 8 years ago when she came into my life. An addendum to an existing prayer for someone significant enough to find her place in those few words : A practice that I developed over time, that has become more muscle memory than out of actual intent. And like every habit, unlearning it will take time and effort.

So I am taking that effort now to alter my prayers. Do not get me wrong : I don't mean her harm now that I no longer pray for her. It's just the realization that she should form part of somebody else's  prayer : just like somebody else should now form part of mine.

Love

A few weeks back, I was sprawling on the sofa and watching TV with a few colleagues. Since there was nothing interesting on TV, we ended up watching a chick flick. Of course, at the opportune moment, when everything was steadily going downhill, the hero makes this passionate appeal and swoops the woman off her feet to a rousing and lilting symphony of stringed instruments. They kiss, the crowd cheers and I just stared blankly at the screen, outraged. 

" That does not happen in real life, whoever wrote that script is proof that love is not just blind, its dumb !! " I ranted at the screen. That was followed up by an expletive driven tirade about the banality of love and so on and so forth. My colleagues patiently listened to the outburst and gave into the occasional chuckle at my very vivid rant which i completed satisfactorily with another innuendo driven joke on lovers. Pleased with myself, I leaned back into the couch, having spewed all my vitriol at the notion of love.

Later in the night, the absence of an audience and the cold comfort of my bed got me thinking.  When did I begin to hate love this much ?? How have I been so wronged by love ? And most importantly had the last year gone any differently would i have such a nihilistic approach to love ?   I have always been a romantic at heart and my poems always flirted with love or the notion of love. How could I form such a poor picture of love and share it with the rest of the world ?

Just because things went horribly wrong for me, does not mean that I should take my frustration out on what gives so many people so much joy. If  i wasn't in love, i wouldn't have taken the events of the last year so hard and if it wasn't  for love, I wouldn't be back on my feet.I have always been a lover and i always will be a romantic at heart. I may not wind up with what i expect out of love but i vow not to insult it ever again. No more puns on the institution of marriage, the foundation of love and the joy of being in love. A bad experience does  not give me such a license to sham lovers and love. 

So tell me your tales, of passion and heart

Of love long lost with now a fresh start

Of young love and hot blood that should and must

Fill heaving bosoms and warm chests with love not lust

And I hope in each story, the lovers will find

A man or woman for the ties that bind

That ends it all with happiness joy and bliss

Through a magical journey that starts with a kiss