Prayer

Neither am I a religious man nor am I an atheist. I find myself comfortably ensconced in that middle ground, where I decry that religion is at the root of most evil while I occasionally indulge in a quiet prayer to that unseen force. Don't get me wrong, I do not pray for personal gain : not directly. I visit temples and churches with family and friends to pray and its always the same prayer, a repetitive mantra I have indulged in for over 15 years.

You see, I learned something early on in life. Prayers for personal gain always go unheeded. When I have prayed for better marks or holidays or gifts, I somehow never got what I wished for. Therefore I decided to give up on my materialistic requirements and pray for others. My prayer would be just for friends and family, the flawed logic being that my happiness depended on them and if they are blessed, indirectly so am I.

So the last time I was in a temple, as usual I stepped in front of the deity to begin my one line prayer.

"Dear Lord, Please take care of Mom, Dad, Bro and ...". The name slipped out before I could stop it and suddenly I felt like the wind was taken out of my sails. It was a name I hadn't expected to say and yet the ease with which I said it shocked me and saddened me instantly.

As I made my familiar round around the deity, my mind was abuzz with numbing and lingering doubts. Deep down did I still love her or did I subconsciously care enough for her to keep her in my prayers, however short. I move on to another idol and I faced the same problem. My prayers were laced with her name. Each chant seemed to inevitably end with me praying for her. To say I was perturbed, would be putting it really mildly.

Its only when I left the temple and turned around to face the idol that I realized why. My path around the temple was a rigid exercise. I enter, pray at the main idol and then step out to every other idol till I finally end up at the main idol to complete my prayer. I leave the temple, face the main idol, pray again and I leave. The same path that I have tread for over 25 years whenever I made my way to the temple.

Similarly my prayer was altered over 8 years ago when she came into my life. An addendum to an existing prayer for someone significant enough to find her place in those few words : A practice that I developed over time, that has become more muscle memory than out of actual intent. And like every habit, unlearning it will take time and effort.

So I am taking that effort now to alter my prayers. Do not get me wrong : I don't mean her harm now that I no longer pray for her. It's just the realization that she should form part of somebody else's  prayer : just like somebody else should now form part of mine.